Saturday, February 27, 2010

The Greatest Thank You Card Ever





Something tells me this marriage will end in divorce.

306 comments:

  1. "Anonymous said...
    AAHHH FUCK! CALL DA AMBER LAMPS!"

    That was funny. Don't back up the "amber lamps"or we'll lose Wop.

    ReplyDelete
  2. CBT,

    I was going to try to figure out a way to tie you into this, but I couldn't.

    ReplyDelete
  3. And this pretty much descibes my first marriage.

    ReplyDelete
  4. CBT,

    Why don't you tell that story about what you did again?

    ReplyDelete
  5. "First marriage"?

    Is that the marriage with the ex you are talking about? The one who's new husband you killed?

    ReplyDelete
  6. "SPURS FAN said...
    CBT,

    I was going to try to figure out a way to tie you into this, but I couldn't."

    Like my big sister says, "Goddamn, Roy, you sure don't have any problem walking off from one, do you?"

    ReplyDelete
  7. What is your sister talking about?

    ReplyDelete
  8. I married my first wife while I was still in the Army. Married in 1981, she divorced me from a distance in 1983. Married the second wife in 1989, but we'd lived together for close to three years before that. She threw me out in 2004, after she figured out I was still fucking the by then ex secretary I'd had her babysitting for back in 2002.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Somebody please help me!! My pimp beat me up and stole all my expensive belongings and my cell phone. I need somebody to get on twitter and tell the world asap!!!!! Help!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. So did you kill the first wife's husband or the second wife's husband?

    ReplyDelete
  11. "SPURS FAN said...
    What is your sister talking about?"

    I got no problem (with three notable exceptions) telling a chick not to let the door hit her in the ass on the way out when she gets to be too much trouble.

    ReplyDelete
  12. You are a badass CBT. No wonder all the ladies want you.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Is CBT delusional with all his stories or is it just me?

    ReplyDelete
  14. "SPURS FAN said...
    Pam! Is that you?"

    Spurs, that's the wrong kind of shit to encourage.

    ReplyDelete
  15. CBT:

    That whole stunt was for attention.

    ReplyDelete
  16. "Anonymous said...
    Is CBT delusional with all his stories or is it just me?"

    It's just you. You design any good air duct systems for strip malls lately?

    ReplyDelete
  17. And I really thought that was her.

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  18. "You design any good air duct systems for strip malls lately?"

    What's that mean CBT?

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  19. Use have a buddy back in the frat named Ben.. Guy would never shut up with all these stories.. Espicially at party's when he's been drinking. blah blah blah.. He earned the name story telling Ben. Even all the chicks would call him that.. They would be like all there's STB (Story telling Ben) over there going at it again. Fun times

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  20. You're no Chuck Norris CBT..

    ReplyDelete
  21. "SPURS FAN said...
    "You design any good air duct systems for strip malls lately?"

    What's that mean CBT?"

    Inside joke between me and That Damn Anonymous.

    ReplyDelete
  22. That's funny Anonymous.

    That should be CBT's new name. Story Telling Trout.

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  23. CBT:

    This is a different Anonymous. This one lives in Florida.

    ReplyDelete
  24. "Anonymous said...
    You're no Chuck Norris CBT."

    I never claimed to be Chuck Norris. I'm just me.

    ReplyDelete
  25. CBT:

    She's always going to get attention from somewhere else, so there's nothing I can do about that.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Hahaha,, So CBT really equals STT

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  27. Or Phone Killer Trout, as the other Anonymous coined him.

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  28. Chuck Norris doesnt sleep He waits

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  29. Chuck's an actor. He's never been in combat. I have. Combat and what was potrayed in his movies have as much in common as shit and shinola.

    ReplyDelete
  30. "SPURS FAN said...
    CBT:

    She's always going to get attention from somewhere else, so there's nothing I can do about that."

    Sad, but true. Fucked up as she is, she still has a good heart.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Pam's Pimp said he's coming for you next CBT.. Pam told me he doesn't like people fucking with his bitches unless he's getting paid.

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  32. Chuck Norris was my generation's Vin Diesel. Chew on that for a while.

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  33. Anonymous:

    The Pimp should call CBT. CBT could kill him through the phone.

    ReplyDelete
  34. "Anonymous said...
    Pam's Pimp said he's coming for you next CBT.. Pam told me he doesn't like people fucking with his bitches unless he's getting paid."

    Send him on. Wouldn't be but one more stupid motherfucker buried in the White River bottoms.

    ReplyDelete
  35. "SPURS FAN said...
    White Knight CBT."

    White Knightin' ain't easy.

    ReplyDelete
  36. "SPURS FAN said...
    Anonymous:

    The Pimp should call CBT. CBT could kill him through the phone."

    I'm sure in a week or so I'll laugh my ass off at that, but tonight it just ain't that funny.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Anonymous:

    You read that story he told on the previous post right? About giving his ex-wife's husband a heart attack and killing him?

    ReplyDelete
  38. I thought you were proud of yourself CBT.

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  39. "SPURS FAN said...
    I thought you were proud of yourself CBT."

    Spurs, that was sarcasm. Tom dying further complicates my already too complcated existance. I liked the dude, mostly. He worshipped my ex, he was good to her, he took care of her and that kept her off my ass.

    ReplyDelete
  40. "SPURS FAN said...
    You have any kids with her?"

    No. She's the one that got the house, the 5 series and half my cash. I never married either of my baby mamas.

    ReplyDelete
  41. That really hurts CBT

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  42. CBT:

    She took you for a ride and you still bother with her.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Did she take your 7 series and that bag of gold you found too? Please tell me she didn't get all the blow

    ReplyDelete
  44. "Anonymous said...
    That really hurts CBT"

    Your game's off tonight, dude. Normally you make me laugh, even when you're raggin' on me, but tonight, you pretty much suck.

    ReplyDelete
  45. CBT:

    This Anonymous is different than the one that always rags on you.

    ReplyDelete
  46. "SPURS FAN said...
    CBT:

    She took you for a ride and you still bother with her."

    You think she didn't earn that shit being with me for 20 years? I had her babysitting my secretary's kids while I was fucking the secretary. I'd disappear for a week at a time sometimes, and some 22 year old would drop me off at the house and the ex would still let me back in and then go help me find my demo. I think she earned it, and then some.

    ReplyDelete
  47. "SPURS FAN said...
    CBT:

    This Anonymous is different than the one that always rags on you."

    Well that explains why he doesn't live up to my expectations.

    ReplyDelete
  48. I'd say she earned it for being with you for more than a month. But that doesn't mean you should still be bothered by her.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Aw hell, Spurs, I love the woman, always will, you only get to see a unicorn singing in the cereal aisle at Kroger once in a lifetime, if you're lucky, but I also won't ever want to go back.

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  50. Oh, so that's the woman you met at the cereal aisle?

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  51. Lay off the drugs CBT..

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  52. Woman? The man said it was a Unicorn.. C'mon now Spurs

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  53. The women will remember the story of the cereal aisle.

    Anonymous, you're on ignore for an extra week. You really do suck at this. "Lay off the drugs"? Dude, you got no clue.

    ReplyDelete
  54. I remember your cereal aisle story CBT.

    ReplyDelete
  55. "SPURS FAN said...
    I remember your cereal aisle story CBT."

    That's because I'm your hero.

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  56. Yeah CBT, I have your posted up on my wall. The one of you in that Sunday School suit.

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  57. I've spent way more of my life in a suit than in boots and jeans. Maybe that's what caused me to lose my way on the path of life. On second thought, that wasn't it. It was shooting a dying kid who was crying for his mama. Pretty sure that was what did it.

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  58. Have you been drinking tonight CBT?

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  59. On that note, I believe I'll take my leave from this oasis of wit for the evening. Tomorrow I have to go to Little Rock and either rent an apartment for my youngest kid and her mother or convince Tiff (baby mama) that staying with my big sister is the best thing for now (which it is, Big Momma loves Tiff and Briley, and she'll be a lot of help to Tiff and good for Briley).

    ReplyDelete
  60. Cool CBT, thanks for stopping by. Have fun in Little Rock.

    ReplyDelete
  61. "SPURS FAN said...
    Have you been drinking tonight CBT?"

    I had three beers this afternoon and smoked a joint with a couple of The Brotherhood guys in the Arena parking lot on my way out. Nothing serious. Why?

    ReplyDelete
  62. "SPURS FAN said...
    Cool CBT, thanks for stopping by. Have fun in Little Rock."

    De Nada, Mucho Blanco. LR ain't gonna be fun this trip. I wonder if I oughta stay long enough to show up at Tom's funeral?

    ReplyDelete
  63. So that's where your ex lives? In Little Rock?

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  64. CBT married a unicorn?

    Finally, a true story!

    ReplyDelete
  65. DG,

    I'll fill you in. CBT's ex-wife's husband called him today, CBT was insulting him, and the guy head a heart attack and died.

    ReplyDelete
  66. My ex lives in North Little Rock, so does my big sister(Big Momma)and my oldest daughter, and as of Thursday my youngeswt and her mother, too, since I had Big Momma go get them from Little Rock and take them home with her.

    ReplyDelete
  67. So you don't have your ho's in different area codes?

    Just one?

    ReplyDelete
  68. Just when you think CBT can't come up with any more fictional stories, he does.

    He will have to submit his death certificate or take a picture of him standing by the dead body for me to believe him.

    ReplyDelete
  69. "DG said...
    CBT married a unicorn?

    Finally, a true story!"

    DG, you were enamored with my singing unicorn in the cereal aisle story, which is why you have a special place in my heart, despite the ungroomed fur on your snout.

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  70. There you go DG.

    CBT, go to the funeral and take a pic of you by the open casket doing the SGM sign.

    That would be cool.

    ReplyDelete
  71. Is big momma single? You should hook spurs up. It will be just like his last internet hook up.

    ReplyDelete
  72. CBT,

    How about we bury the furry snout comment with the guy you killed today?

    ReplyDelete
  73. That was not weak. That was funny.

    ReplyDelete
  74. "SPURS FAN said...
    So you don't have your ho's in different area codes?

    Just one?"

    Two. Ex wife in 72118 and everyone else in 72116. My baby mamas knew each other in Junior high, long, well not that long, before I met either one. I've slept with most of Tiff's party friends at one time or another.

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  75. Spurs,

    I did another class today. It was so much easier this time. I really like this a lot.

    ReplyDelete
  76. haha....AREA codes not ZIP codes. Do they not have those in arkansas yet?

    ReplyDelete
  77. You slept with most of Tiff's friends?

    CBT, I can't keep track of all your women. Is Tiff the one who's husband you just killed?

    Ahh, who cares? You didn't bang any of your chicks friends anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  78. DG:

    That's good. Yeah, I kind of figured you'd like it. How do you feel?

    ReplyDelete
  79. And yeah CBT, area codes, not zip codes.

    ReplyDelete
  80. "SPURS FAN said...
    There you go DG.

    CBT, go to the funeral and take a pic of you by the open casket doing the SGM sign.

    That would be cool."

    And a ticket straight to hell.

    "DG said...
    Is big momma single? You should hook spurs up. It will be just like his last internet hook up."

    Big Momma is larger than life. She overpowers my perswonality and that ain't easy. Spurs would be hiding in a corner whimpering after 30 minutes with Big Momma (real first name Pam).

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  81. I feel like I just got a massage. Completely relaxed. Everything feels stretched out and my spine feels longer. It's weird what this can do. I may go tomorrow morning too.

    ReplyDelete
  82. Is big momma black? You know how spurs likes his women....the blacker the berry the sweeter the juice.

    ReplyDelete
  83. "She overpowers my perswonality and that ain't easy"

    You mean she tell can even bigger bullshit stories than you can?

    Amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  84. Yeah, like I wrote, after your fourth or fifth class you should feel really good.

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  85. My back feels so much better already. I wonder if this is what it feels like after seeing a chiropractor.

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  86. Tiff=Youngest Daughter's (Briley) mother

    Kelly Jo= Oldest daughter's (Ella) mother

    Starla (yeah I know)= last ex wife, unicorn chick whose boyfriend died talking to me on the phone.

    Big Momma (Pam)= My older half sister, host to Tiff and Briley since Thursday.

    Tiff's friends I've slept with: Holly, Alyssa, Chasity (not the lesbian Chaz), Erin (not the current one) and Shanna.

    ReplyDelete
  87. I've always wanted to check out a chiropractor.

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  88. Same area code all 501. Arkansas only has three area codes, 501 (civilization) 479 (Wal Mart Land), and 870 (redneck or niggerville).

    ReplyDelete
  89. 3 area codes in the whole state?

    That's funny.

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  90. In the short time I worked for one I'm not too crazy about them. I think they can easily take your body out of alignment.

    ReplyDelete
  91. "SPURS FAN said...
    Was it boyfriend or husband?"

    Even though I left Starla in 2004, the divorce wasn't final til 2009. I looked at being married to her as an insurance policy. If I was to wake up after a three day binge married to some bimbo in Tunica, it wouldn't be vaild.

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  92. Oh, boyfriend. They were gonna get married this summer.

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  93. It's not that they want to, it just happens sometimes. I think it is good for people who were in car accidents who are already out of alignment but I don't think it is necessary for someone who doesn't have any type of injury.

    ReplyDelete
  94. "DG said...

    In the short time I worked for one I'm not too crazy about them. I think they can easily take your body out of alignment.

    SPURS FAN said...
    Why would they want to do that?"

    Incompetance. DG's right about this.

    ReplyDelete
  95. "SPURS FAN said...
    So you killed her fiance."

    He was her fiance. The jury's still out on the other part (5th Amendment issues).

    ReplyDelete
  96. DG, Please allow Spurs to have is dick back for the evening. He's been a little testy the last day or two and I suspect he needs to masturbate to pictures of Oprah.

    Night y'all. Thaa..thaa...that's all folks!

    ReplyDelete
  97. I'm about to go too. I think I'm going to fall asleep watching Casino tonight.

    ReplyDelete
  98. Nice. Oh, and your movie Reality Bites was on tonight.

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  99. When I was driving earlier that U2 song was playing and I wanted to watch that movie but since I moved I don't know what happened to it.

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  100. I tried to look for The Doors the other day and I still can't find it. I think I will just give in and order it.

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  101. And as far as the U2 song? Are you referring to Reality Bites?

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  102. Yes. At the end when Winona and Ethan end up together "All I want is you" starts playing.

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  103. Oh, I can't believe I forgot. That was my favorite scene of all time.

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  104. I'm sure it is. You are probably listening to the song now just for the memory of it all.

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  105. I am. I'm also in the process of buying the movie.

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  106. You should get a pair of glasses like Deniro has on at the end of Casino.

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  107. That's funny. Yeah, those are smooth. I could probably see Mars with those things on.

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  108. I thought about coming on and talking to everyone but after reading the above commentary I don't really have anything to say... lame.

    ReplyDelete
  109. What's up Streets?

    How's it going? Sorry you found it to be "lame."

    ReplyDelete
  110. It's going well... just got done eating some pizza and now I'm going to dye my hair, my roots in the front are so blonde that in contrast to the dark brown it looks gray. My life is so exciting, don't hate.

    How is your weekend so far Sours?

    ReplyDelete
  111. Sounds exciting Streets.

    And my weekend is going good. I've slept a lot and went out to eat and went grocery shopping. So way way more exciting than yours.

    ReplyDelete
  112. Oh, and now I'm watching that newest Fast and the Furious.

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  113. Oh yeah I did all of that too Sours, well minus the grocery shopping. I dont do that til tomorrow.

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  114. Where did you go out to eat Skeets?

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  115. That's funny, my "psuedo" fiance is watching the same thing.

    We went to La Parilla Suiza

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  116. I went to a place called Las Palapas, a Mexican food place.

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  117. No he did not take me, I went with just my kids.
    Mine was mexican food too, I had chile rellenos YUM

    ReplyDelete
  118. Yeah, I kind of figured it was Mexican food Skeets, thanks. Maybe if the name had been Chez Whitey I might have thought it was burgers or something.

    Any big plans tomorrow other than grocery shopping?

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  119. Tomorrow I am taking my dogs to the groomer, washing the car, shopping for some new shoes, getting a new computer chair and then going to watch PF's baseball game.

    ReplyDelete
  120. Wow, busy day.

    How long does it take you to pick out shoes?

    And your PF has a baseball game? Little League already started?

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  121. Not long at all, I am very decisive I know what I want and don't have to try ish on often.

    PF does have a game and no he doesnt play little league... Oh I forgot we are also supposed to go play golf.

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  122. Yeah golf is cool to play but watching it is like watching grass grow.

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  123. True. How often do you play? And are you any good?

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  124. I'm not good at all haha and I only play a few times a year really. I used to go with my mom but she doesnt like to anymore. PF plays golf a few times a week.

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  125. Damn, PF must have a lot of time on his hands. Is he retired? He's like 60 right?

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  126. No he's my age... he works a lot of overnights he goes to play golf after work.

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  127. That's right, he works at Denny's.

    My bad.

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  128. That's cool Streets. Maybe you can get a discount or something. If you give up the goods.

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  129. There are no sides. You're all on the same side, just admit it already.

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  130. Yeah you know how much I love those Grand Slams...
    I don't even like breakfast food.

    You how sometimes you are looking all over for soemthing only to realize it's sitting right in front of you?

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  131. Yes I do know the feeling Streets. What were you looking for?

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  132. The commenter commenting as Hilarious.

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  133. I wasn't so much as looking but just giving the wrong people my time.

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  134. Oh, so you think Tiger Woods is the right man?

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  135. Meanwhile confiding everything to someone I never even considered.

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  136. what is called desperation? me giving him a chance?

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  137. I'm just giving you a hard time Streets. I'm sure Tiger is a good guy.

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  138. The reason I never gave him a chance was that he is white, like blonde hair blue eyes white. I am not generally attracted to that. He's also a really sweet person and I used to only like assholes. but I am getting out of my box.

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  139. "The reason I never gave him a chance was that he is white, like blonde hair blue eyes white."

    Racist.

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  140. But that's good you are getting out of your box. Say, you're part Native American, aren't you?

    You are like CBT's shaman Old Bear.

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  141. I know... I'm worse than a normal racist cause I am rasist against my own race.

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  142. I am a lot of things, including cherokee and yute indian

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  143. Hopefully not... he does really like my car though. It's kind of weird, he always wants to drive it.

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  144. What kind of car do you have again?

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  145. Hmmm, I would have thought you had a mustang (get it? Like a horse? Being you are an Indian?)

    But Acura's are cool.

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  146. Hey Streets,

    Did a professional photographer take that pic of you?

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  147. Funny Sours.I would never drive a mustang, that's not my style.

    I bet you drive a Kia or Daewoo don't you?

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  148. Yeah, I drive a Kia or Daewoo. Give me a break.

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  149. Yeah it was a pro photog, it's a proof as you can see from the blue strip on the left side.

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  150. Yeah, thanks for the lesson. So was it a guy? He got to see you naked?

    And did you take a pic from behind?

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  151. I did not take a pic from behind but yes he is one of the select few who have seen me naked. Here's the deal though, I'm laying there kind of twisted up and he really does not see much. You cannot imagine the contortions you have to get in to take a good picture, afterwards every part of my body aches.

    ReplyDelete
  152. a couple thousand each time we've shot.

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  153. What? Really? Yeah, I could see why your body would ache after that.

    And I guarantee you photog man went through every shot to pick out a few where he got some nip or something.

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  154. And who did you make those for? Yourself? Or did you send them out as a Christmas card?

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  155. Yeah I am sure he has looked them over for nip slips.

    Like 1.5 yrs ago I took pics naked in front of bamboo stalks with only palm leaves covering my naughty bits... he defintely saw me naked that time.

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  156. Oh yeah? Was he wearing a long overcoat while he was taking the pics?

    And where are those bamboo pics?

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  157. Those bamboo pics were on my laptop... which is broken. I am going to have to ask him to send me them again.
    They were intended to be submitted to a magazine, photogs often get a discovery fee. But my mom's husbands' reaction freaked me out so I didn't allow him to submit them.

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  158. No he didn't freak out... he was like yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh and that freaked me out.

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  159. Well, isn't that the reaction you want? (not from your mom's husband, but you get what I mean)

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  160. Not really, that reaction hinders more than it helps in everyday life. But the idea of my nakedness being available to anyone who wanted to see it creeped me out.

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  161. Maybe you can give some pics to Tiger for his birthday or something.

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  162. Yeah maybe, he's going with me to a shoot in a month or so. Aside from pictures he's never seen me naked, so that's going to be fun haha!

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  163. So he's seen your naked pics? And I haven't? Bullshit.

    Anyway, what shoot are you doing in a month? Porn shoot?

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  164. Sometimes when we're the only people on here I forget that other people will come on here and read what we've said. Can we erase a whole conversation? haha

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  165. Yeah, I hear you.

    And there's no need to erase anything. It's not like there was anything real serious discussed.

    I mean, we found out Tiger works at Denny's, that's cool.

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  166. I don't ever shoot anything pornographic.

    Implied nude, outdoors (that is always interesting)

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  167. Yeah, but it's hard to get off to implied nudity. I mean, you can, you just have to use your imagination.

    (Just playing around Streets)

    ReplyDelete